what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
