Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
