Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
