Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
