She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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