I am puke
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I party with great urgency now.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
