You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
