My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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