i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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