dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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