she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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