Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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