I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
