So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
