Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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