You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
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