i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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