Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
