How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
