So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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