I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Your penis caused this!
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