I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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