God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
