I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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