Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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