i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
