I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Randomize
