Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
