Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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