I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
