Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
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His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
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Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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