Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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