Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
