Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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