I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
