they need to just BURY HIM!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
