also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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