Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
