First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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