I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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