Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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