I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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