I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
We need to rekindle our bromance
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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