If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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