Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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