Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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