If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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