Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
