Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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