at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
