Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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