forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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