i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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