His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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