My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Randomize
