Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
