I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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