when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
