Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
