Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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